


When You Wish Upon A Star

by 11_Gadget_27



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Cat, Gen, Humor, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Space Magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-21 06:10:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/896756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/11_Gadget_27/pseuds/11_Gadget_27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Mass Effect KinkMeme. The prompt was:<br/>"During a mission, FemShep accidentally inhaled an experimental new drug. She's thinks she's a cat for days.<br/>Suggestions:<br/>Traynor (or Kelly) trying to stop the galaxy's most dangerous woman from getting into the aquarium and killing all the fish.<br/>Drunk!Tali and Cat!FemShep getting along swimmingly.<br/>Insisting on being petted while the crew are in the middle of important tasks.<br/>Stalking a cloaked Kasumi.<br/>Getting spritzed in the face for not getting off of the countertops and workbenches.<br/>Trying to fit into boxes and bags.<br/>Trying to tongue bathe their LI. The LI gets shamefully horny because of it, and tries to resist. Clueless Cat!Shep just wants them to be clean.<br/>Fighting Urz.<br/>Whatever dumb, funny cat thing you can think of. I'm not particular about how or why. "</p><p>I made several changes but kept the same general idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Wish Upon A Star

A!A, OP I hope this is close to what you wanted. I couldn’t sleep and the image of Shepard as a cat just would not leave me alone. This takes place during ME2 and is my first attempt at humor. Enjoy.

 

“When You Wish Upon a Star”

 

_“Oh everybody wants to be a cat,_

_‘Cause a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at._

_Tell me everybody’s picking up on that feline beat,_

_Because everything else is obsolete._

_A square with a horn makes you wish you weren’t born_

_Every time he plays oh a-rinky-tinky-dinky!_

_But with a square in the act, you can set music back to the caveman days._

_I’ve heard some corny birds that tried to sing,_

_Still a cat’s the only cat who knows how to swing._

_Who wants to dig a long-haired and stuff like that?_

_When everybody wants to be a cat.”_

Commander Shepard did not believe in the fairy tale magic of the stars, but there really was no other explanation for her current situation. She’d spent the night before drunk from sharing a bottle of brandy with Dr. Chakwas and lying in the center of her bed staring through the open skylight to the vast beyond of scattered stars. And in a moment of childish nostalgia, Shepard had made a wish.

_“Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. …I would love to be a cat just for one day.”_

Of course, looking back now, if Shepard had known the wish would come true, she would have kept her damned fool mouth shut. Maybe.

+_-_-_-_-_+

The first thing Shepard noticed when she woke the next morning was that everything seemed a little bigger. Her pillow for one thing was huge and seemed to envelop her head completely and her bed appeared to be five times longer and wider than she remembered. The second thing she noticed was that not only were her hands covered in reddish fur, she didn’t have hands. She had paws, four of them to be exact.

Shepard jumped up and screamed; _“What in the fuck?!”_

But what came out of her mouth was a long high pitched “meow.”

+_-_-_-_-_+

After perhaps an hour freaking out Shepard made her way to the elevator and down to the crew deck. Peeking slowly around the lift’s opened doors she was relieved to find that her too friendly yeoman was not at her post. Shepard’s small cat body then skirted around the CIC pressed tightly to the wall and managing to stay in most of the shadows.

The doors to Mordin’s lab slid open quietly to reveal the aging salarian at his work table fiddling with a myriad of unknown things. After a moment’s hesitation, Shepard bounded onto the table across from him.

 _“Help me Mordin.”_ She said but again, all that was heard was a pitiful meow.

The professor blinked at her and then slowly sat down whatever it was he’d been working on. “Felis catus,” He said as if to himself. “How did you come to board the Normandy?”

 _“I live here!_ “

“Meow!”

“Hmmm, no matter. Feline appears to be in excellent health, would make a fine specimen.” He smiled largely.

When Mordin reached for a syringe, Shepard knew it was time to bail.

+_-_-_-_-_+

Her next stop was Miranda’s office and she found the genetic beauty hunched over her terminal and typing furiously while muttering under her breath. She didn’t even glance up when Shepard again bounded up on her desk, her tail swishing in aggravation.

_“What in the fuck has happened to me?”_

“Meow?”

The dark haired biotic looked up with a start and a little gasp at finding a cat perched less than a foot away. An angry cat with ears flattened and tail twitching erratically.

“Oh my.”

 _“You’re telling me!”_ Shepard hollered.

“Meow!”

Miranda stared at her in disbelief for a moment before reaching out with one hand and flicking her hard on the tip of the nose. Shepard fell off the desk in surprise and pain, barely landing on her feet.

“I hate cats,” Miranda muttered and stood to shoo her out.

Shepard hissed a promise of payback before high-tailing it out of the office. She sat outside the door for a moment in thought. _Now what?_

+_-_-_-_-_+

A brief stop at the med bay found doctor Chakwas still passed out so that was a bust. Someone on the Normandy had to be intelligent enough to figure this mess out. Someone other than Mordin who wanted a test subject and Miranda who apparently hated cats. An even briefer stop at Samara’s quarters showed the regal asari lost in mediation and Shepard didn’t have the heart to disturb her. Not after that fiasco with Morinth. She made her way to Life Support, hoping that Thane had nothing against felines.

She found the drell where she always found him, sitting at that little table with his head bent over his joined hands. He was either in prayer or mediation but he glanced up when the door opened to admit her. Then, to Shepard’s surprise, Thane allowed his hands to part and a smile to grace his lips.

Well, at least he wasn’t going to throw something at her. Shepard crossed the room to him and he gently scooped her up to set her on the table. After hours of stress and confusion, it was nice to just be petted and Thane’s hands were freaking magic. She understood why cats loved this sort of thing so damn much.

She left Life Support in a much better mood but there was still an issue of payback she needed to exact.

+_-_-_-_-_+                                                          

Miranda was not in her office when Shepard made her second trip inside. Good, it meant she had time to leave a present of sorts. Shepard went behind the desk to Miranda’s chair and a moment’s thought had her claws sliding out. With a pleased little noise, she got to work.

_Scratch, scratch, rrrriiiiiippppp._

Shepard left after several minutes with a happy little feline smile.

+_-_-_-_-_+

“Shepard,” Garrus greeted her as she entered the Main Battery and for a moment Shepard forgot she was a cat, sidling up to her favorite turian like it was any other day.

When she barely came up to his leg spur though, she remembered and just leaned against him in a moment of exhaustion.

He jumped. “What in the Spirits’ names?”

Shepard looked up at him with big mournful eyes and after a second Garrus knelt to get a better look at her.

“What are you, little thing?” His voice was the most gentle she’d ever heard it as he slid off his gloves and picked her up. “Wow, spirits you are soft.”

Shepard purred an affirmative.

Garrus lifted her in front of his face and just stared. “Huh, you have Shepard’s eyes.”

_“Yes Garrus, yes! It’s me!”_

“Meow! Meow!”

She lifted from his hands with her paws on the neck of his armor and nudged her head under his chin, nuzzling him happily. Finally someone had figured it out and of course it would be Garrus, he’d known it was her even when she doubted it.

The big turian laughed lightly and nuzzled her back, a soft rumbling sound coming from his throat. It almost sounded like-

_“Wait? Turian’s can fucking purr?”_

“Meow?”

Garrus’ purr increased and he deposited her in the open cowl of his armour, right next to his neck. Shepard made herself comfortable.

“Whatever you are, little thing, you’re welcome to stay with me while I work.”

Shepard laid her head on her paws and watched as Garrus calibrated the Main Guns, a steady purr still coming from his throat. This day wasn’t so bad after all.

+_-_-_-_-_+

After who knew how much time spent curled around Garrus’ neck, Shepard finally left him to work undisturbed and ventured to deck four. She stopped to bother Zaeed for just a moment but it turned out he was violently allergic to cats so she left him be before he keeled over.

Kasumi fed her bits of fish and meat from her cup of ramen and then poured her a bowl of cold water to drink. Shepard left the thief’s company with a full stomach and a happy lilt to her steps. Tali was pretty much disinterred and almost terrified when Shepard stretched and her claws came out. Rather than be shot with the quarian’s trusty shotgun, she left the engine room in a hurry.

Only to run into Grunt as he made his way to the Mess.

_Aw shit.”_

“Meow,”

The young krogan looked at her like she was a small but tasty morsel and Shepard didn’t manage more than a single step before she was snagged around the middle and lifted.

Grunt stared into her eyes and licked his mouth. “You look tasty.”

Shepard flattened her ears to her head and growled menacingly, tiny but razor sharp claws sliding from their sheaths.

_“If you even give another thought to eating me, I will seriously fuck you up in ways you’ve never imagined.”_

“Hhhhhiiiiiiisssssss.”

Grunt laughed and let her fall from his meaty hands. “Hehehe you’ve got a quad. It would be a shame to kill you.”

Shepard still booked it below decks in case he changed his mind. But she had somehow managed to forget about the psychotic biotic that called the area home. Jack was sitting on the edge of her bunk cleaning the grime from under her nails with a tip of a wicked looking knife.

Shepard swallowed a lump of fear and began backing away slowly but she must have made some kind of noise because Jack’s head shot up, her sensual lips twisted in a snarl.

_“Please don’t splatter me all over the walls. I’ll just leave slowly, okay?”_

“Meow.”

Jack’s face changed drastically to the last expression Shepard had ever thought she’d see on the young woman’s face. Pure unadulterated joy.

“Kitty!”

+_-_-_-_-_+

Eventually after hours of petting and brushing, Jack let Shepard leave and she returned to the crew deck. Most of her crew and nearly all of her specialist were gathered together for the evening meal.

She found Garrus and Thane sitting across from each other and eating the respective foods quietly. Shepard meowed to get Garrus’ attention before she jumped in his lap and then climbed her way to her new favorite resting place beside his neck. He gave her a soft purr of greeting and scratched under her chin with one talon.

“I see you have met our resident stowaway as well.” Thane said conversationally.

Garrus chuckled. “The little thing loves me, spent half the day hanging out on my armour while I calibrated the weapon’s systems.”

The drell nodded. “It spent some time with me this morning, I found it to be very soothing.”

Miranda picked that moment to storm from her office. “Has anyway seen Shepard or that damned cat?!” She yelled. “It ripped my furniture to shreds!”

Garrus put a protective hand on her head and Thane actually glared.

But it was Jack that came to the rescue. “Fuck you cheerleader, that little cat is the best animal in the galaxy and if you touch her, I’ll pull your tongue out your anus and then feed it back to you for shits and giggles.”

Miranda sputtered as Garrus and a few others laughed then she turned on her heel and retreated to the safety of her office, the lock turning red in her wake.

“Bitch,” Jack said pleasantly as she plucked Shepard from Garrus’ cowl and pulled her close. “Who’s my sweet little kitty-kitty, huh?”

 

END

 


End file.
